hewitt.mobi: Thoughts On HIV

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Sunday, August 14, 2005
Thoughts On HIV

It's been a grey day here today, My thought's have turned yet again to this virus that dwells inside me. I did not get a definitive answer from the doctor as to how long I've had it. I just don't know, my last blood test was 1999 so as to when I contracted it is anybodies guess. My worry is that I don't know how long I have got with good health before I have to start the dreaded anti-viral treatment.

One question keeps cropping up again & again why me ?, I'm not a profligate person by any stretch of the imagination. I've not had loads of partners I don't deserve this. I have a good knowledge of nutrition & vitamins but even with this the stark question is how long ?. It's the not knowing which is the hard part, not knowing how much time I have to do those things which I've always wanted to do. I'm not working at the moment so I don't have a great deal of money, to do things with. The truth be told with the money the state pays here for sickness benefit it just about covers food, electricity, & accommodation, but not much more.

So even if I did want to do or go somewhere the options are limited. And do I really want to waste may be the little time I have left spending it working full time. I know I could do with the money but ???.It's a catch 22 Isn't it, god I wish I knew what to do. May be I should make the most of the time I have with good health now & stop feeling guilty about not working. It would be nice to be able to have the money to run my car, perhaps have a holiday somewhere warm, mmm. And yet here I am feeling sorry for myself, when really here in Europe compared to a lot of people in the world we live very comfortable lives.

I know that I will have full access to all the anti-viral drugs & other medications that may be necessary, & with our national health service there is no charge. It's all free at the point of delivery. But even with that, what if something happens ?. What if things go pear shaped ?. I count myself lucky to be living in a relatively stable country with a reasonable standard of living, look at people living in Africa who have HIV it's not fair is it ?.

So yet again as I look out of the window here it's raining, not that I mind that, there is something exquisite about going out after it's been raining the smell of the plants & trees the freshness of the air. This morning I watched a beautiful sunrise, Photo 1 2 3 4, the clouds orange & tangerine against the morning sky wow. Some things are just amazing, they take my breath away they are just.....words fail me. I'm not religious at all but there is beauty all around, it's just sometimes it's easy to overlook it :). I have to appreciate these things now they are more & more important to me.

So I hope somehow to try to figure out what it is that I can do with my time, the time that is left. What I can do to give something back, in some way so that it does not seem that I'm wasting the precious time, that I have. I'm sure that there must be something, that there is someone out there who understands it & me god I hope so.... . So, just to record my thoughts at this time for whoever might be reading this out there in www land. Sweet dreams.......

Charlie

hewitt.mobi Posted at 1:23 am | 1 comments

1 Comments:

hello charlie, i just saw your blog while navigating throuh a whole lot of blogs... i think it's awesome that you share this with the world... because of my small age (15) i'm not goin' to stand here and give you advice, it would'nt make any sense. all i can say is that i think your handling your problem with a realy positive atitude...
now about wat you can do, you know, like you said to enjoy life the most right now... i think you should turn to the simple things! to allt hat is beautiful... art, music etc. i do think that making a blog and sharing this with the world is realy good for you, i will pass this blog to my known ones =)
i dont have much to say right now, all i can say is keep being positive, peace =)

By willshakeyou, at 11:18 pm